The below is absolutely subjective and based on personal experience.
I have two daughters (3 years and 5 months old). My three years of parenting taught me among many things to let go of parental guilt at least on the below points. After all, there are plenty other occasions for parental guilt ( an overindulging long shower, unnecessary solo trip to the supermarket and Instagram scrolling to name a few)
1. Ask for pain relief during labour and don’t feel bad and guilty about it
First time around I braved it and didn’t get any pain relief but gas and air. I was in labour for 41 hours. Second time around I asked and got every type of pain relief there it was . When I felt slightly guilty about asking for an epidural , one lovely Midwife told me “Go for it. Now it’s not the time to be a hero”. I have to say that that spinal anaesthetic at the 36th hour of labour was among the best experiences of my life. And I felt zero guilt about it.
2. Feel free to feed your baby formula and don’t feel bad and guilty about it.
Let me start by saying that breastfeeding is truly amazing and special. One of my happiest moments with my girls were whilst breastfeeding.
However, breastfeeding is not always straightforward. Sometimes, it is even impossible for various reasons depending on the mother’s different circumstances.
First time around I really struggled with breastfeeding. My girl had a tongue tie and we could never establish breastfeeding. I felt so guilty about it. I kept persisting for weeks with never ending pumping sessions that never led to anything more than me feeling stressed , tired and irritable. Baby was unsettled as probably hungry and my poor partner had to feel the wrath of the sleep deprived me. We switched to formula at about 6 weeks and the difference for all of us was like night and day. It just worked better for us as a family.
Second time around I was determined that we will offer formula right away if breastfeeding was becoming a struggle. Ironically (or maybe because I was more relaxed and confident) we had 5 happy months of breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding is heavily promoted with a reason (at least in the UK). However, this also brings a certain pressure on the new Mum who is particularly vulnerable after giving birth. If for some reason breastfeeding doesn’t come easy, it can be a trigger for anxiety and stress. You don’t need this.
I believe it’s best to be present, calm and happy so that you can enjoy your baby and your new role as a Mum. Whether this means formula all the way, so be it. At the end of the day, you want your baby to be fed : whether it’s breast milk, formula or combination of both – you are doing a smashing job of feeding our baby.
3. Go to bed the same time as your kid(s) (Even if this means 7.30pm)
If you have a newborn or a small baby that doesn’t sleep through (welcome to my club) , you know you will be awake at 10pm, 3am, 5 am to prepare a bottle, change a nappy etc. If you are asleep by 8pm you know that you will have some decent hours of sleep albeit interrupted every 2-3 hours.
Admittedly, going to bed at 7pm is not rock ‘n roll, you will miss watching the latest season of The Crown right when it comes out like everybody else and you will not have an adult conversation with your partner for some time. But … you will feel human in the morning, ready to attack the day, watch a Peppa Pig marathon and survive 7 toddler meltdowns before 9am.
I say to myself that the early bed will only be for a limited period of time until the sleeping situation settles . I am currently embracing it and even enjoying it as it keeps me sane and going throughout the day.
PS: I shared the above words of wisdom with my Mum. She said that she has given me the exact same piece of advice before I have become mother for the first time. Needless to say that not only I don’t remember it, but that I haven’t followed it. I must have needed to reach these conclusions by myself. That’s part of being a parent, I guess – learning the lessons your way. It’s an exciting, happy and at times challenging roller coaster ride with no real manual about it but your inner compass and instinct to guide you.
Good luck!
