Category: BerlYn

The below is absolutely subjective and based on personal experience.

I have two daughters (3 years and 5 months old). My three years of parenting taught me among many things to let go of parental guilt at least on the below points. After all, there are plenty other occasions for parental guilt ( an overindulging long shower, unnecessary solo trip to the supermarket and Instagram scrolling to name a few)

1. Ask for pain relief during labour and don’t feel bad and guilty about it

First time around I braved it and didn’t get any pain relief but gas and air. I was in labour for 41 hours. Second time around I asked and got every type of pain relief there it was . When I felt slightly guilty about asking for an epidural , one lovely Midwife told me “Go for it. Now it’s not the time to be a hero”. I have to say that that spinal anaesthetic at the 36th hour of labour was among the best experiences of my life. And I felt zero guilt about it.

2. Feel free to feed your baby formula and don’t feel bad and guilty about it.

Let me start by saying that breastfeeding is truly amazing and special. One of my happiest moments with my girls were whilst breastfeeding.

However, breastfeeding is not always straightforward. Sometimes, it is even impossible for various reasons depending on the mother’s different circumstances.

First time around I really struggled with breastfeeding. My girl had a tongue tie and we could never establish breastfeeding. I felt so guilty about it. I kept persisting for weeks with never ending pumping sessions that never led to anything more than me feeling stressed , tired and irritable. Baby was unsettled as probably hungry and my poor partner had to feel the wrath of the sleep deprived me.  We switched to formula at about 6 weeks and the difference for all of us was like night and day. It just worked better for us as a family.

Second time around I was determined that we will offer formula right away if breastfeeding was becoming a struggle. Ironically (or maybe because I was more relaxed and confident) we had 5 happy months of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is heavily promoted with a reason (at least in the UK). However, this also brings a certain pressure on the new Mum who is particularly vulnerable after giving birth. If for some reason breastfeeding doesn’t come easy, it can be a trigger for anxiety and stress. You don’t need this.

I believe it’s best to be present, calm and happy so that you can enjoy your baby and your new role as a Mum. Whether this means formula all the way, so be it. At the end of the day, you want your baby to be fed : whether it’s breast milk, formula or combination of both – you are doing a smashing job of feeding our baby.

3. Go to bed the same time as your kid(s) (Even if this means 7.30pm)

If you have a newborn or a small baby that doesn’t sleep through (welcome to my club) , you know you will be awake at 10pm, 3am, 5 am to prepare a bottle, change a nappy etc. If you are asleep by 8pm you know that you will have some decent hours of sleep albeit interrupted every 2-3 hours.

Admittedly, going to bed at 7pm is not rock ‘n roll, you will miss watching the latest season of  The Crown right when it comes out like everybody else and you will not have an adult conversation with your partner for some time. But … you will feel human in the morning, ready to attack the day, watch a Peppa Pig marathon and survive 7 toddler meltdowns before 9am.

I say to myself that the early bed will only be for a limited period of time until the sleeping situation settles . I am currently embracing it and even enjoying it as it keeps me sane and going throughout the day. 

PS: I shared the above words of wisdom with my Mum. She said that she has given me the exact same piece of advice before I have become mother for the first time. Needless to say that not only I don’t remember it, but that I haven’t followed it. I must have needed to reach these conclusions by myself. That’s part of being a parent, I guess – learning the lessons your way. It’s an exciting, happy and at times challenging roller coaster ride with no real manual about it but your inner compass and instinct to guide you.

Good luck! 

This week I have started a job at a bookstore. It has been a dream of mine for some time. The place is only until Christmas but nevertheless I appreciate it very much and I am happy to be surrounded by books and by people who feel a connection to books.

A month ago, I have sent out 65 speculative applications to 65 bookstores in Berlin and I have opened up a spreadsheet to document the whole application process. Just for the experiment’s sake and for the laughs.

I have received 20 negative replies (most of them friendly, two especially nice and only one rather rude) and two “maybe”s. The rest 40 bookstores never even replied.

I have told the story to a friend of mine and wise as he always is, he told me to see it the other way round. He said: “65 is an impressive number. Imagine that number in apples!” That lovely comparison alone made me feel better. Then he went: “Besides, now is only your ego suffering.” He was right.

So I let it go. Inside I knew I have done everything I can. I have done my job.

Time passed and last week out of the blue, I was invited to a job interview. This Monday I have signed the contract and on Tuesday was my first day.

I feel good in the bookstore as I knew I would. I feel in place. I do believe it does make a difference if you take people’s money selling them shoes, smart phones, clothes or if you sell them books. They not only buy a book. They buy a story. They buy time. Or at least I like to see it that way.

Today a 12 year old girl came to ask me if we have Mark Twain’s “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”. She asked it in a serious manner, pronouncing the author’s name very carefully. I thought that this is one of the most wonderful things: to be at the age where you still haven’t read “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”.

That story was one of those little-big gifts hidden in the day. For that and for the outcome of my experiment I am grateful.

…

When I wrote the previous bookstore post I have received the most generous and sincere support from so many people. I could feel all that positive energy coming to me even from a distance. For your energy, support and help I thank you, dear friends.

I am making an experiment.

I am currently looking for a job to finance my ‘living the dream’ and ‘staying in the city I feel home from home’ and I figured that in order for me to be happy, really happy, which means curious, enthusiastic, brave and balanced, I need to find a job, in which I see some kind of sense. It doesn’t have to be just for the money. I’ve tried it – the “happiness trick” doesn’t work. I am ready to work at my dream job part-time or even only one day a week and finance myself with a second job, but that element of an occupation bringing personal meaning and feeling of sense is essential to me.

So I am looking for a good, meaningful and exciting occupation.

I have given it a little thought. What is good, meaningful and exciting for me?

Books are.

I’ve had this dream for some time now – to have one day a little cosy bookstore where people would like to spend some time in. Or even more ambitious – where people would forget about time. The sort of bookstore where you could have children’s workshops in the morning, poetry readings in the afternoon and a little jazz concert with big musicians in the evening. The perfect mixture of words, contrabass and a good strong cup of coffee.

I’ve given it a second thought. The dream is there and I am not going to give it up. But for somewhat obvious reasons now it’s not the time to make it true. What I can do now though is to apply for a job in a bookstore. In a bookstore that resembles my dream-bookstore.

I have started a little research on the Internet and created a spread sheet, where I will list all the bookstores, which I find appealing. I have written a cover letter. An honest one. And I have updated my CV. I am going to send out my initiative applications and hope for the best.

Today I have send my application to 4 bookstores. Tomorrow I will continue.

There is no guarantее that I will succeed but I already feel better. Because I am doing something. I have started a process. I am putting my feet on a new road and I am excited to find out where it will lead me. Maybe to some place good, meaningful and exciting.

Keep your fingers crossed, if you are a dreamer too.

And I will keep you updated.

If someone were to ask me what I did in January, I would say: I cooked.

And so I did: systematically, enthusiastically, in big portions … and to be honest: for the first time in my life. I always used to say that I don’t really have time for that. (Which is obviously not true since I enjoy a relative carefree life of a master student in the wonderful city of Berlin and I know a number of mothers with full-time jobs who manage to find time.) Time is there for us for whatever we want and choose to do. And certainly there is always time for potato gratin, spaghetti carbonara or a Marmorkuchen. I tried it myself.

What sparked my enthusiasm so much?

Since I love lists so much, I will try to put my arguments pro cooking in the cold January evenings as follows:

  – The smell (or why not odour) of a chicken soup in the kitchen brings your current dwelling one step closer to a real home;

– A cake with dark chocolate glaze can always cheer you up  – even if it is freaking cold outside and you can’t remember was it two or three weeks since you actually haven’t seen the sun

– A new dish is like a new small project:

• you do your little research (loads of accessible webpages for wannabe cooks on the Internet);
• you go shopping (with a little list, of course)
• you go home and put some music (Radio Swiss Jazz) or your favourite radio show (Nasso Ruskov on Sofia Live for me) or Arte TV (Long live livestream television!)
• and you go off
• the best part is that you don’t have to wait so much for the result of your little project and if you are lucky (or hungry) enough you might actually eat it;
• having a good company makes it clearly all lovelier and tastier;

Could there be another reason why I have this sudden desire of spending more than the usual 15 minutes in the kitchen? Could it be that I am on the fast train to my thirties?

One could speculate, I guess. I choose not to.

For as far as I heard life is short.. and now I know – tasty too.

Посрещнах януари с много списъци. Имам нужда от тях. Особено в началото. Те са ми като първата крачка.

Списъкът е първата крачка към мястото, към което си се запътил. Поне за мен. Поне сега. Някак си ме организира. С негова помощ сякаш обръщам по-лесно новата страница на новата година и на новия месец. Самият ритуал на изписване на това, което искаш да правиш, вече те обвързва. Думите са там, желанието е излязло от теб и ти носиш отговорност към него. И към думите.

Списък на списъците от януари:

• Списък на нещата, които искам да науча
• Списък на нещата, които искам да правя
• Списък на нещата, които не искам да правя вече
• Списък на различните работи-мечта
• Списък на градовете, в които  бих живяла
• Списък за покупки
• Списък с манджи, които искам да си сготвя или вече съм сготвила
• Списък с разходи
• Списък с неща, които бих искала да ми се случат
• Списък с неща, които не искам да искам
• Списък за неща, които имам да върша
• Списък с имейли, които имам да пиша
• Списък с книги, които искам да прочета
• Списък с филми, които искам да гледам
• Списък с нова музика, която искам да чуя
• (…)

Изпратих януари вчера. Първата крачка е направена.

Yesterday evening proved to me that the less you want and expect (from .. life, I guess) – the more you get.

I went to the movies with my lovely “Filmkurs” fellow-students in this typical and cozy Berlin movie theater. After the movie we stayed for a drink and at some point a little sweet kitty cat came directly to me to pet him (as if he knew how much I miss my cat back at home).

Then out of nowhere a Jazz Trio appeared in the ridiculously small bar and gave us a wonderful concert. And a Chat Baker homage it was -just to make things even more magical.

I had one of this rare moments in life when you feel completely happy in the present moment. And you realize it. I thought to myself: wow, I have everything I need now without even wishing for it: lovely people around me, cinema, jazz, a sweet little cat creature on my lap and yes … Glühwein.

From now on every time I listen to Chat Baker I will think of this very December evening. And it will make me smile.